Seifer and the toilet seat
by Vick330
Summary: Seifer once again struggles with the hazards of everyday life, and a wrathful Fujin.
1. Rough awakenings

**Seifer and the Toilet Seat**

By Vick330 The MadScientist

**Disclaimer**

I don't own FF8, but since Squaresoft-Enix would probably spend years and years finding all those that write FF8 fan fiction, if they decided to prosecute, I figure that I'll be long dead and gone by the time they get to me.

**Foreword**

This was my first Seifu, and I wrote it for Lady Scorpio's website as an exclusive fic back in July 2001. She doesn't seem to be active at ffn anymore, and her website has been down for a while, so I don't think she'll mind if I post this rewritten version now.

I wanted to create an unforgettable, skillfully written tale of passion and romance. I hoped for a story that would shine as one of the high moments of fan fiction, and become a legend among writers and aficionados alike.

But since I lack the necessary talent and creativity, this is what I came up with instead. Enjoy anyway.

**I - Rough Awakenings**

The light of a new spring day managed to seep through the closed drapes, falling on her fair face and making her stir. She opened her good eye, and had a moment of disquiet when she didn't see her man beside her. For a terrible moment, she wondered if the past few years had all been a dream.

But no, it was all real, she realized with gratitude. She was in their bedroom, the frame holding their wedding picture on the night table, the familiar objects of their life together surrounding her. They had been married for more than a year now, and she couldn't be happier. Seifer was a fine man, a gentle, hard-working man. And to top it all off, a good, considerate and giving lover.

Of course, he was a _'man'_, with all that implied of little irritants. Like the fact that he wasn't able to separate whites from colors, or to pick up after himself, or to clean the house without being told, begged, and menaced a thousand times before acting.

But to Fujin it didn't matter, for she loved him, and he loved her in way that made her feel cherished, desired, and special. Still, she wondered why he wasn't by her side.

As a little of the fogginess of slumber dissipated, she remembered that he had invited the guys to watch the game last night. Not that she cared, but the _Galbadian Rextaurs_ facing _Trabia's Blue-Dragons_ was the big event of the season. But why hadn't he come to bed, after sending his friends home? She suddenly realized what it was that had woken her, her bladder begged for release and she made her way to the bathroom.

Now, dear reader, I ask you, why is it that women never, EVER, check if the toilet bowl's seat is down BEFORE they sit on it? Why do they insist on performing a flying butt leap of faith, assuming that the cursed thing is down? (I might sleep on the sofa tonight for this)

Fujin's mind was still foggy from sleep, her metabolism not quite at full speed yet so early in the morning. She sat to take care of her business and promptly fell down the bowl. Her eye widened in shock, and her brain became completely awake, as she felt the tender skin of her buttocks touching cold water.

**"SEIFER!"**

There was no response (did you expect any? Not me), and she managed to extirpate herself from her uncomfortable, and quite undignified, position by herself. She then stormed through the house like a wraith out for revenge, infuriated at his lack of consideration. After all, they had been over the toilet bowl's cover topic at least a quadrizillion times before, give or take one or two.

**"SEIFER COME HERE!"**

Fuming, she made her way to the living room. What she witnessed there made her good eye widen even more, and gave a rosy taint to her cheeks as blinding, rightful wrath exploded in her head. It was painfully obvious that the match had gone into overtime, and that they had all fallen asleep on the spot.

Well, _'collapsed on the spot'_ would be more accurate actually.

Her husband was snoring on the couch, his arm around Zell's neck. The martial artist was contentedly drooling on Seifer's shoulder, in an alarming comatose state. But the picture of debauchery didn't stop there, for Squall was laying on the floor with his hand still holding a bottle of beer, the contents of which had partially spilled in a yellowish puddle.

Irvine Kinneas was drunkenly sleeping on the sofa, his Stetson hat over his eyes, and a huge bag of potato chips cradled in his arms. Raijin was also on the couch, his head on Seifer's lap and snoring like there's no tomorrow. To Fujin's disappointment, he was still breathing - if laboriously. Nida, the usually quiet and reserved guy, had rolled under the coffee table, hugging a Cactuar plushie.

To continue this tableau of pure depravity, there were empty bottles and assorted garbage scattered all over the room. Fujin took a step, and felt the unmistakable sound of crunched chips under her bare feet. And to put the cherry on top of that sundae of decadence, they had indulged in a few soggy cigars, the acrid smell of which permeated the air. It also explained the ashes that were generously sprinkled all over the carpet, and the burnt spot in what possibly was the most visible part of the room.

Fujin was too enraged to react just yet. It was then that she noticed that the answering machine was loaded with messages, and she had a pretty good idea about what she would hear as she pressed the '_play_' button.

Beep- "Hello, this is Rinoa. Squall Leonhart, I know that you're there! You were supposed to be home two hours ago! Dinner got cold, get your ass over here, NOW!" -Beep

Beep- "Fuji, this is Quistis, if my good for nothing boyfriend, Nida, is still at your place, tell him that I'm waiting for him!" -Beep

Beep- "HIII-YAAAA! Selphie here! Tee-Hee! I'm looking for my Irvy-Poo, Call me, kissy-kissy, bye!" -Beep

Beep- "Hello, Xu here. If Raijin is still there tell him it's late, and he was supposed to bring back milk and baby food hours ago! Xujin is hungry and needs her daddy, you better have a good excuse, Mister!" -Beep

Beep- "¡Hola! Cristina Monica Reina Ema Antonia Maria Juanita Dolores Conchita Milagros Renata Francesca Manuela Angelica Veronica Marisol Consuelo here. Tell Zell dinner is almost ready and to pick up taco sauce. Besitos cariño." -Beep

Beep- "Fujin dear, Ma Dincht here, have you seen my son? Cristina Monica Reina – er, Zell's wife is really worried about him. Please call us if you see him, Dear." -Beep

Beep- "HI! Rinoa again! Squall, what the hell are you still doing there! You can forget about supper!" -Beep

Beep- "Quistis here, sorry for bothering you again Fuji. Just tell Nida that he's sleeping on the couch for the next few months!" -Beep

Looking at Nida's beatific expression, Fujin doubted that it would be such a big punishment. Taking a deep breath in an attempt to calm herself, which failed, she resumed listening to the messages.

Beep- "Boo-hoo-hoo Irvyyyyy! Why are you not coming home? Sniff I miss you sobs I made marshmallow pizza just for you, cries please come to meeeee." -Beep

Thinking that if marshmallow pizza was a regular thing on Selphie's menu, it was perfectly understandable why Irvine would stay away from her kitchen. Fujin felt kind of sorry for the cowboy, but only 'kind off' because nothing prevented the guy from cooking his own meals. After all women are not maids, personal cooks or slaves, right? (Just making sure that my wife still talks to me after this)

The rest of the messages were pretty much variations on the same theme:

Beep- "Rinoa again! Fuji, if you need an insensitive, uncommunicative, introverted, broody, big meanie guy as an ornament, you can keep Squall!" -Beep

Beep- "Xu here! Fujin, kick my husband in the shins for me!" -Beep

Beep- "Fujin dear, Ma Dincht here, tell Zelly to come to his Mommy's, because Cristina-many-names is really pissed off." -Beep

Beep- "Irvyyyy! You're soooooo mean! You'll meet my Nunchucks next time I see you! And I didn't wait for you and ate all the pizza! Your loss, 'cause it was really YUMMY!" -Beep

Fujin was unsure that not having saved any of that marshmallow pizza for Irvine was a bad thing, but that wasn't her problem after all. She then decided to take charge of things and awake the guys, in a manner that reflected her present mood. (Ouch! That's going to hurt big time! Sensitive people might want to close their eyes now)

**"RAGE!"**

At this powerful shout of pure fury, the five guys painfully came back to a semblance of consciousness. Seifer came about first and –painfully- opened his bloodshot eyes, "Huh? What? Oh, hi Baby." He said, slurring his words.

Squall stirred, "Hum, ah, whatever..."

"Owww, my head feels like a cowboy's ass after a rodeo, I reckon." Blurted Irvine.

"Yah know, what time it is, yah know? Like, Xu is waiting for me, yah know." Managed to mumble Raijin, not quite grasping the hazardous position he was in.

Zell didn't wake up right away, but he did in a rather ungentle way when Seifer shakily stood up. "Hey, what's the big ide..." started to complain the martial artist, but one glance a Fujin convinced him that in this case discretion would be the best part of valor.

As for Nida, for once he was immensely grateful of his natural ability to go unnoticed. He remained motionless though, just to be on the safe side.

"Fuji-Baby," tried to explain Seifer, "The, hum, game lasted longer than anticipated, hehehe."

Fujin didn't respond but instead left the room, went to the kitchen to gather an assortment of cleaning supplies, and came back to face her husband and his offensive guests. That would have been a great time to escape for our friends, but they were still a little dazed by the turn of events (to say nothing of their hangovers).

"CLEAN UP!" She announced, dropping what she was carrying on the floor and crossing her arms.

"Yah know, I have to go to the bathroom, yah know." Said Raijin, moving with unexpected speed. Afterwards the sound of a window being opened was heard, and when they looked outside they saw the big guy running in the yard like all of hell's minions were at his heels.

Zell, Irvine, Nida and Squall looked at each other, realizing that Raijin might not be as dense as he let on. Before they could get any ideas, Fujin replayed the messages on the answering machine. That convinced them to stay, hoping that Seifer's sweet wife would intercede for them with their spouses.

Next chapter: Let the torment begin!


	2. Let the torment begin

**II - Let The Torment Begin**

There are many weapons in a woman's arsenal to torture a man, who has somewhat erred in her view. Among the worst of them is a scourge so terrible, so sadistic and machiavelic, that I can only name it with great awe: _'Spring Cleaning'_.

The four guys soon realized that Raijin had had the good sense of fleeing when he had the chance. Fujin gave each of them a chore to take care off while she got dressed, prepared strong coffee, and phoned her friends to inform them of their men's whereabouts.

Zell was in charge of vacuuming, but to his confusion the pieces of trash evaded his attempts to capture them. When she stepped back in the living room, Fujin's complexion took an alarming pink coloring at the appalling sight.

"IDIOT!"

"Huh? What?" Inquired the martial artist.

"VACUUM ON BLOW!"

"So what?" Asked Zell innocently.

"PUT ON VACUUM!"

"Oh!" exclaimed our friend, touching a button he shouldn't have touched, and producing a pandemonium of dirt, dust and assorted waste.

Fujin blew a fuse, "**OUT! NOW!**"

Zell gladly took her advice and dashed though the door. Nothing Cristina Monica Reina Ema Antonia Maria Juanita Dolores Conchita Milagros Renata Francesca Manuela Angelica Veronica Marisol Consuelo could do to him could be worst than Fujin's ire, and in doubt he could always hide at his Mom's place.

Meanwhile Squall was washing windows with Irvine, or at least that was what they were supposed to be doing. Both guys were in the throes of a serious hangover, and it was quite obvious that teamwork wasn't going well.

"Squall! You're using too much soap! You moron!" Complained the sharpshooter.

"Whatever." Was SeeD commander's laconic reply.

Irvine had a headache and was in no mood for niceties, "You know what, Leonhart? You're a real pain in the $$!"

"Whatever."

The cowboy was quickly losing patience, "You've cleaned just **ONE** windowpane in the last fifteen minutes!"

"Whatever."

"THAT'S FRIGGIN' IT!" shouted Irvine, as he tried to throw the dirty water from his bucket to his friend. Unfortunately Squall ducked and Fujin, who had come to investigate what the ruckus was all about, was drenched from head to toe.

"Oh, Shit!" Exclaimed the two men.

**"RAGE!"**

That was when both guys valiantly decided to make a strategic retreat, hoping that their own wives would be far more forgiving than the enraged albino. Their longer legs giving them an advantage, they jumped over the yard's fence and disappeared in the distance. Nida, who had managed to remain under the radar so far, took advantage of the diversion to make good his escape.

After considering chasing the deserters, Fujin decided it was not worth the trouble and went to check on Seifer. She had put her husband in charge of picking up and throwing away all the stuff scattered inside the house. After looking all around for him, she finally found her man propped on a chair in the yard, sipping a beer.

"SEIFER!"

"Huh, Fuji, you see, I'm emptying the beer bottles, so I can go and cash them in, hehehe." He explained, not realizing how lame it all sounded.

It was too much. Giving up, Fujin changed her wet clothes then walked out of the house, banging the door. Fighting back tears of rage, bitter and unsure of what to do next, she made her way to _The Balamb's Café_. There she met Rinoa, Quistis, Selphie, Xu with baby Xujin, and Cristina Monica Reina Ema... (lets call her Christina for the rest of the story or I'll go over the file size limit for sure).


	3. Making up

**III – Making Up**

"We were wondering when you'd get here, Fuji." Said Rinoa.

Quistis put a comforting hand on the fair woman's shoulder, "I hope that they didn't thrash your house too much, Fuji."

"SAD" Answered Fujin, looking sorrowfully at her friends.

Xu cradled her baby softly and offered, "Don't worry, Fuji, I'm sure that Seifer regrets the whole thing, and is still trying to figure out what happened exactly. It's always that way with Raijin anyway, he can be so dense sometimes, but most of the time he's so gentle and loving."

And with that she excused herself and went home, for the poor Raijin had apologized profusely before she had left and begged her to come back soon. And, thought Xu, it was probably the other men's fault anyway, for her guy just wasn't the type to hurt her intentionally. There was a cheerful spring to her step as she made her way home, and little Xujin sensing her happiness cooed merrily.

Rinoa wondered aloud, "What had she ever seen in Raijin? It's not like he's a handsome, dark, mysterious, sensual guy like my Squally. And I guess I've punished the guy enough, so I'll take my leave of you girls now."

Christina looked thoughtful, "Zellito can be like a little kid sometimes, but I wouldn't change him for anything."

"NOT MAD?" asked Fujin.

"No," replied Christina, "I can never stay mad at him for long, and I better go get him at his Ma's now. Hasta la vista, chicas."

And Fujin was left with Quistis and Selphie, who chirped, "I can't stay mad at Irvy-Poo for long either, and I have another marshmallow pizza ready for dinner tonight." And she left, skipping all the way.

"Thank Hyne she didn't invite us." Stated Quistis, "And I guess I'll go home too now."

"Why Nida?" asked Fujin.

The blonde woman thought for a moment before replying, "It's not something I can put into words, Fuji. I am aware that everybody at Garden was surprised when we became a couple, and truth be told we are an unusual pairing. All I know is that he is much more than what people see, and he is good to me – he makes me happy."

Left alone, Fujin sipped her drink, thinking at the oddity of her friends' relationships. Why did she put up with Seifer and his eccentricities herself? She wondered. But of course she knew the answer. It was because he was good to her, and –like Nida and Quistis- he made her happy.

It was also because he had won her heart and never abandoned her. Before he came into her life she had felt alone and unloved. From the start, even back when they were just a posse, he had filled a great emptiness in her heart. She couldn't put it all into words either, but some things are meant to be felt and not explained.

When she returned home she found her man asleep on the couch. The whole house was in a state of cleanliness and order that she had never expected. It was obvious that Seifer had worked hard to obtain such results, and all her confusion and sadness lifted in a heartbeat. She gently stroked his face and kissed his brow, which made him open his eyes and smile at her.

"Baby, I'm so happy that you're back, I'm sorry for the whole mess." He apologized.

"NOT IMPORTANT" She replied with a smile, admiring the new spotlessness of her surroundings.

"It was important to you, and I want you to know something," he continued, "I didn't want to hurt you in any way, but I know I'll still make an ass out myself in the future. Just remember that I love you and that I'll always make it up to you."

A forlorn look came to her features, as she remembered. She remembered with fondness that time, that wonderful time, when Seifer had unexpectedly declared his feelings for her. He had been gentle with her; so unlike that macho, arrogant facade he gave to the rest of the world. She still remembered his warmth against her skin, a feeling that she wasn't used to, but that she had longed for so long.

She still remembered with fondness the day when he had asked her to become his wife, and then their wedding, the new friends they had made, the music, the happiness, and the pure joy she had felt as he had kissed her tenderly in front of all those gathered.

She was brought out of her reverie when he stood, and she gratefully took refuge in his arms, hugging him back firmly.

"TIRED?" She inquired, hoping that he was not.

He grinned in that charming way of his, making her heart melt, "A little from all that cleaning, but I still have some stamina reserves if you're interested."

For an answer she kissed him passionately, holding him tight. He scooped her in his arms, and carried her into their bedroom. Forgotten were the past hours and slumber finally claimed them as they laid in each other's arms, feeling the peace and contentedness that only true love can bring.

Sometime during the night Fujin groggily realized that Seifer had gotten up, but she promptly fell asleep when he came back and kissed her face lovingly. Morning came, and she carefully slid from bed as not to wake him. Her bladder had woken her again so she made her way to the bathroom, still filled with thoughts of tenderness and contentment. (That's not going to last, trust me!)

For the second time in this story (but for I don't know how many times in my life), I ask the question that has baffled men since the invention of modern sanitation equipment. Why, Oh why do women insist on taking a (butt) leap of faith? Don't they realize how hopeless it is to try to train the male representative of the Human species to put down the darn thing? (I'm sure it's hardwired somewhere in the genetic code)

Fujin sat on the throne, and...

**"SEIFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!"**

** THE END **


End file.
